The Infinite Changes In Self

Change manifests at different times of your life as results of small to cataclysmic events. At least for myself the most intense, awe-inspiring developments have happened because of difficult, harsh, bold, extreme- mostly unhappy (felt at the time)- events. The last year has been a year of life taking violent turns through mostly uncharted waters that in moments left me feeling as boat drifting in dark seas without directions. I think the moments when you feel utterly and completely lost are those times when introspection runs rampant and can create beautiful new facets to the gems of our soul.

When we are children we are like an uncut diamond, rough and new to the light of the world. As we grow and experience each situation we find ourselves in that makes us see a part of ourselves that we didn’t see before and it adds a facet. The more cuts to our stone- the more facets- create a stone that shines like it never did before. If we are brave enough to see our souls and their worth we can feel a true sense of joy. This whole process of life can leave one jaded and in times feeling hopeless. If you have the courage to love yourself unconditionally and to not be apologetic about the life that has created you for the wonderful person you are, it can be a dawn awakening- and it is glorious.

Why write this into the universe? Because where ever you are whatever you find yourself in, feel it all. The joy, pain, love, lose-have the courage to let those emotions wash over you, don’t pack them away. I don’t really believe in good and bad decisions, even with the shit that happened in my life, I don’t believe that regret should follow you. Have faith in yourself and be brave enough to speak the truths on you mind, heart, and soul.

Let me say this again. Be brave and speak your truths. If we are honest with our hearts and minds some things will fall away but what remains will be true. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you shouldn’t speak these things.

“Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul” -Edward Abbey

You will find yourself surrounded by people throughout your lives that are part of you story for second, minutes, days or maybe years. The ones that stay and show up in your life are the ones to keep close. Give those people your hearts, fears, and hopes and the right ones will make your heart fill with so much joy you will simply feel full. That void in ourselves that I think everyone feels in some way, that reservoir is for the joy we find in connection. I am lucky enough to have friends I have known for years, grew with, laughed with and definitely cried with. I can only hope that if you are reading this you hold those people close to you.

I could write a thousand times that you are in charge of this life, even if you are stuck at a corner right now, you can make a turn with enough will and sometimes time. Be good to yourself, love yourself and find community. Community is so important-something I learned only the last couple years. The spiderwebs we spin that connect us to all sort of people all over the world- they are a golden cord to life.

Be patient with yourself and also with others, when you find this light inside of you and you see how wonderful and bright it is, some people wont see it the same way. Let me tell you this if people don’t see you for the wonder that you are, let them pass by.

I am sending so much love and light to you all out there.


PS Starting next month I will be talking about my experience with the Peace Corps which is…. difficult but I think it will be helpful.

Another Turn Around the Sun

30de398ee2f123cba7afcb8d339d56adAs the year ends and a new one begins, take the time to use the change for renewal and reflection. Also, take a moment to breath and look inside, take any residual pieces of yourself that are hindering you and let them go. A new year is not a time to make plans and goals you’ll never keep, don’t set yourself up for failure and disappointment. Let’s instead choose to make maybe a handful of small changes, letting go perhaps of something that you have held onto a little too tightly for the last year. Let me walk you through what I see in my mind for all of us on this wonderful day.

Standing up from our comfortable huddled positions, we stand the dust of the previous year falling around us. Pabst in hand we peer around looking for the crystal chandelier, instead we see nothing just dark expanse. Out of the dark comes a small flicker of an image, but the light flickering is a flame inside of your belly. Fear sets in, what is that?! We exclaim. The flickering light is warm and slowly it grows and suddenly you feel safe and you feel almost as if the flame is consuming something you didn’t know was there some emotional baggage shoved under the bed after the long trip. At first at the thought of letting go of that emotional baggage, we cringe, what would we do without that? At this point that baggage has become a part of your formed personality, to lose it would be to have to reform yourself again. This could come in the form of baggage so to speak or it could just be residual hate/love/awkward feelings that you have harbored, long unable to release for unspeakable reasons. In this moment you can choose to let that flame expand and take the things that you no longer require, that do not benefit you and your experience, if you would only let them go. In this moment, we let them be taken, and the flame grows except its not a flame at all it’s a warm soothing light that at the release of your baggage glows more brightly for just a moment then dims until it goes out completely. At the lose of the light you again stand in a dark room, but then only just then do you realize that there was a door in reach this whole time, so you open it now and walk out of this dark room you had put yourself in and walk out into the bright new undiscovered territory. Its beautiful and new on the other side and you would have known earlier if only you could have had the power to get yourself out of a situation you knew to be dark and diminishing to your inner self.

Essentially what I want you to gather from me today is hopefully some courage today or in the future to take the dusty things we keep in the shelves of our minds and hearts that clutter and confuse, and let them go. Dust them off look at them and gently release them, shed tears if you need to and if it takes more than one attempt that is okay just do it eventually.

This year, I will attempt this myself, to let go of that thing I have dragged with me most of my adult live, that person that I have held onto who I really formed most of my being around. Who will I be without that? That terrifies me. We cannot hold onto that which hold us back from our paths, happiness or progress, well at least I cannot anyway, I can’t speak for you and should not even try.

So in this new year please get out there, explore and grow in whatever way you need to. So much love and light is being sent to you, whoever you are way out in the nothingness of space.


“One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am – a reluctant enthusiast….a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.”


Baby, its cold outside.

During these last weeks the weather up here in the greater puget sound area has been sunny and tits cold (if you don’t know that already) and I have felt that I have been a very poor outdoorswoman for not braving the elements and getting outside, but today I won…

As I was driving home from this hectic but fantastic weekend, I was driving over a small creek on the freeway and for just a second I could see a patch of heaven. By patch of heaven I mean it was a perfect fly fishing location, a beautiful bend of the stream with large woody debris on the bank and a pristine little gravel bar calling my name. When I got off the freeway at the next exit, I went in the general direction to find this little creek (pronounced “Crick” by the way, a creek is what you have in your back a crick is where you fish) . After bumbling around many neighborhoods, dead ends and stern/worried looking homeowners I found an access point to the creek, not exactly the spot of lore but a general good start. Later I found out that this creek is called Pilchuck creek and turns out its pretty famous for trout fishing. I didn’t get too much time to get into a good spot or get any fish on however it was a great day to get my feet wet and explore a new spot that is actually relatively close to home! The take-away from all that is that yes its cold outside, but it’s never too cold to explore. Also many adventures lie just outside of our grasp if one could just reach a little further you never know what you’ll get your hands on. So get up, put on a jacket and some thermals and get outside.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”
― Henry David Thoreau